My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate
Feb 25, 2006 at 8:00 AM 
It's hard to work from home, it is. Someone is always calling (usually my mom) or stopping by (usually my drug dealer) and interrupting what I'm doing. (Kidding about the drug dealer. Really.) And then there's the kitchen. It's always needs cleaning. And don't even get me started on the cat. For some reason he feels that he MUST MUST MUST sit between me and the computer and lie down over my forearms while I'm typing. These things combined with the fact that Oprah's on at four are enough to make even the most dedicated person unproductive. Because of this, I frequently visit my local Starbucks to get work done.
It's my Starbucks office, that's what I call it. There are branches all over town. Yes, I'm one of those people who camp out at a table all day, one of those people who prevent you from finding a seat when you stop by in the middle of the afternoon for your non-fat mocha. Sorry. But I buy things all throughout the day; I try to earn my keep.
Okay, so on with my story. I've been going to this one Starbucks by my apartment forever. I like it because it's close to where I live, I get free wireless there, and it's cozy and neighorhoody. Other writers (my co-workers) go there as well, but I don't know their names. It's kind of like an unspoken rule--we're there to write, not chat, so we watch one another's stuff during bathroom runs (a huge disadvantage of going to a 'bucks where you don't know anyone is that you have to pack up every time you go to the bathroom, which happens WAY too frequently because you're drinking so much damn coffee because you don't want to be kicked out, so you usually lose your table by the time you get back), we share tables when it's crowded--but we never EVER exchange names. I like this. Let me repeat: I LIKE THIS. And I thought my co-workers did to. But then came Lenny.
The fact that I know his name should tell you that this guy was nothing but trouble from the get-go. Yep. From the moment he arrived on the scene, Lenny was chatty, chatty, chatty. It was "What are you working on?" this and "How do you like your computer?" that and "Gosh, it sure is windy outside today, huh?" I wanted to turn him and yell, "FOCUS, Lenny! FOCUS! We're here to work!" But I didn't. Why not? Because I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to cause problems. I don't like tension. What I'm learning about myself as I get older is that I avoid confrontation at all costs.
Since I didn't want to be rude I answered Lenny's many questions, which of course led to the most dreaded one of all: "By the way... what's your name?" As my co-workers shot me worried glances that said, What in the hell is he doing???, I felt a pit form in my stomach. I wasn't sure what to say. If I told him my name did it mean we were going to be friends? I mean, I'm always up for making new friends... but not with Lenny, not with chatty, chatty Lenny.
Against my better judgment I told Lenny my name, which led to an even MORE dreaded question: "Would you like to get a drink sometime?" Would I WHAT? Did I hear him correctly? Many of my co-workers choked on their chai tea lattes and looked away. I mean, this was our place of employment for God's sake. I was in a predicament. If I said no to Lenny's drink, it would be rude because it's kind of like saying, "I don't want to be your friend." If I said, "No, I have a boyfriend," then it would be presumptuous of me to assume that Lenny was looking for something romantic. So anyway, I said yes. As I started to write down my e-mail address, he interrupted and asked for my phone number. My PHONE NUMBER. I mean, sh*t -- right? I couldn't say I didn't have a phone because it was sitting right in front of me, so I gave it to him.
Lenny called about a week later. I was on the other line at the time and told him I'd call him back, but I forgot. By the time I remembered, his number had disappeared from my call history. Since then, I haven't gone back to the 'bucks for fear of a "confrontation." I'd have to say something about not calling him back, and then he'd say, "Oh, it's no big deal, really," and then I wouldn't be able to work because it would be awkward and I'd be all worried about it.
I walk by my favorite Starbucks a lot (always on the other side of the street, of course) and look in the windows--Lenny's always there. Fucker. He drove me out. And I was there first. I've tried to transfer to some other office branches in the neighborhood, but I haven't had much luck. The Starbucks on Court Street in Brooklyn Heights is really drafty, and the one on Montague is okay, but I have to pay for wireless internet there and it's kind of far.
All of this leads me to one thing: Starbucks needs a human resources department. It's as simple as that. I'm not asking for baristas to announce my appointments, screen my calls, or validate parking for my clients or anything--I just need a place to go to air my grievances, you know? I need someone to complain to when the techie with the Mac, iPod, Blackberry and phone hogs all the outlets. I need someone to complain to when people like Lenny ask me out on a date. Hell, I don't even need a whole department--one person would do. So if anyone reading this has pull at Starbucks corporate, please try to make this happen. I'd be happy to come to a board meeting and make my case. Thank you.
Reader Comments (16)
What a shame! I think I would have gave a phony name and said that my boyfriend wouldn't like it if we met for drinks. I guess it's back to working from home LOL
I do the same thing. I spend a lot of time at Starbucks writing. I am also afraid of conflict. So that is why I am telling you........Get your butt back in there!! I doubt there will be conflict, but if there is, it will be good practice for you.
Is he really worth all of this avoidance? NO
I want you to go over there today and work! And before you do, think about what you are going to say if he comes up to you and then if he does, you say it.
You are a strong woman!
You wrote a book, for crying out loud! You can do this.
Now GO!
Let us know what happens!
The longer you avoid the clingy guy at the office, the more drama will build up. You could...
a) breeze in one day, "notice" him, and shriek, "Lenny! OMG! I totally lost your phone number and you never called back! Are you one of those guys who offers drinks, makes a token call, and never follows through?" A little heavy on the flirt factor, but it makes the guy feel better, and you take the high road.
b) stomp in one day looking like a homeless person, glare at him and shout, "LENNY! I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!" Way heavy on the psycho factor, but he's creeped out and you get your office back.
I was taught that "Lay" was the active version of "Lie" -- sorry to learn that is not the case.
ok, Karyn.....did he kidnap you??
OMG!! Now I am worried!
EVERYONE! Post Karyn's picture at your local Starbucks!
We are coming to SAVE you!
get it? Save??
ok. not that funny.
But if you don't show up soon....I am going to be forced to start taping your picture on everyone's coffee cup!
I feel the same way about Starbucks, do the exact same thing. I get your predicament. Can't be worse then me though, I made out with one of the guys that works at mine, I've been looking to relocate ever since. Your situation can't be as bad as mine, just go back and reclaim your starbuck!!!
Karyn, you crack me up. Thanks for keeping me entertained!
Hrm.. could this be the time for spontaneous multipersonalities? walk in, completely oblivious start talking like "wow.. i think i know you, your auora is so strong. i swore we met in another life." pull out some crystals, do a little chant.. make him think your lost your marbles. once he leaves just pull out your laptop and go to town.
pretend to be your own twin. simple!
(& never give out your real name & number...or be afraid to say,
"sorry, really can't talk, I've got lots to do". ;) ) x
It's not fair that you have to be driven out of your "territory"! I say take a chance and go back there. Conflict sucks but if anything it's good practice. Hopefully once he saw that you don't go there anymore, he doesn't neither.
OK i am close to tears with laughing! I kinda 'fell into' your blog (after hitting savekaryn.com for some ideas to get me outta my debts!) and this post cracked me up! but seriously - have you made it back into your 'office' and kicked out this interloper?!
What a shame! My Starbucks people know my name and I know what you mean, I just write better there. I think you should go back! NOW!
reclaim your office! everyone needs a good place to work, and starbucks is always on top of my list.
if poor lenny has no idea what you've been saying about him on your blog, get the folks at starbucks to slip him a link. that should get the message across. he should know that he has *crossed some lines* (ooooh...).
hey, wait a minute, i am commenting on an almost-month-old post! i got carried away! what am i doing? there is a starbucks part two now!
what the heck, i'll leave the comment in since i went to all the trouble of typing it anyway. :)
Hilarious! Maybe they need a bouncer! I just signed up with First Readers through Harper Collins--hope I get to read 20 before it's out! Sounds fun, especially because my number only got as high as 12 or 13 before I found my 'forever after.' Notice I didn't say, "Happily Ever After." Kidding, though, really. Cheers!
I just happened upon your site today, and I think it's fabulous and look forward to reading more.
And this story is hilarious--I always use starbucks or random cafes for work too.
Haha, check out this guy who thinks Starbucks is his office..
http://cha2e.com/2009/03/19/starbucks-office-space/